I try to be funny,

I don't have it in me -.-

You know...

If everyone just spoke how they truly think and feel it'd make a lot of misunderstanding and complications a lot easier to understand. Relationships might even go smoother cause its about trust, and if you can't trust your partner in love to know you want them beside you then what the hell is the point? In the end feelings are manipulated and people are hurt. Especially when your single and you have someone in mind, cause really you'll end up regretting not asking. Either you have a chance to move on or they actually might have mutual feelings, go figure. If your being teased you have the right to them to shut the fuck up and leave you alone, really running away will just make you an easier target. Its hard to do and even if you do speak your mind it might not even have a good result. But it's a load off your shoulders believe me what comes after is what you can mentally handle for better or for worse. 

New trends w/ my boi A.L.W.

#GoodYear

I'm better then this.

Okay I'm a guy that can be jealous but there's condition that apply. For example, my best friend also liking you and you both text a lot. See really I don't mind this as much but if you keep talking about how much you want to text him back for what ever reasons of him being annoying or what ever in front of me constantly. I'd be kinda sad about it but I know how you are and you don't actually see him like that. Well it's not like you're seeing me like that either for that matter(sorta, cause you won't actually fricking tell me) but you actually know how I feel. Meh but that friend of mine is using sympathy points to talk to you and some other girls as well it just can't be helped -.- fucking can't do shit.

But what ever really, instead of worrying on something that most likely won't happen(LOL) I'll just try to win you over again cause I'm sexy :3 #huhuhuhuhehueheuheuheu

Those three magic words...

I use to say it so easily in our past relationships, and I know for sure its actually how I feel. But right now I find it really hard to say. Maybe because I didn't know how much meaning it actually had before that I said it very often that it lost that meaning. I wonder would you feel much at all if I said those words of how much you actually mean to me?

LOLOLOL oh gosh I'm glad I have a blog for this so I don't have to think about it x) I can just come back and ponder about it latr hehe (:

Urges...

I find it supremely hard not to caress your face to lean in and give you a kiss. I usually don't give in to my urges and you know that too but there is so many opportunities presented that it's killing me ughughuhg unnnf~

You insist on being friends cause you want me in your life and your afraid of going any further cause you think you'll just up hurting me again. Really though I don't mind either way cause I'm happy your involved in my life again and I'll respect the decision you make. Though what you think is right for us and what you actually feel is in total disagreement -.- So I'll give you the best of both. I'll be your closest friend and share what you want to know and I'll give you the attention of someone more then that.

I'll be honest with you, we have a very weird and complex relationship hahaha ^^

:3

I actually have no clue how this is going to turn. We're both more in each others life then before so....

Dammit

Carrying my Grandma in the middle of the night out of the car ): She hurt her back and can't sit or get up ugh she was in so much pain... she's so old now... if she were... I just won't be able to stand it if were to happen in my presence again... being strong has it's limits. I just got to take care of her for now and hope for the best.

Ye,

there was a time I wanted attention. There are always people who want attention, but now I couldn't really give a sh*t. There was the time I had massive amount of pimples to... ugh worse stage of my teenage life LOL I always had to pop em. I've been fat, skinny and built muscle. There was a time I was really dedicated to school but now I'm lazy, there was also the time I believed I didn't care about anything but I knew I cared about everything all the time. I've been there and done that, not everything; there's defiantly a lot more to do. I'ved lied, bull-shited, trusted, loved, liked, hurt people, been hurt, been envious, been jealous and learnt more about more about myself then ever. I realize my capabilities and limits I'm human after all and I know the hard work I'll soon accomplish will never erase the sins and hating I've done but it's something that'll at least pre-occupy me from the past. I don't think a lot anymore, I use to over-think and get emotional over stupid things but what point is that? It makes things worse, the only thinking I've been doing is a way to improve myself as a person. It's better not to meddle in other peoples lives but be apart of their lives for better memories. The do's and the don'ts its all there in my face yet I'm alive and should take the risk when needed. I'm not going to rush, I've changed and I know better then to force anything. I'm learning from everything I've done. I really only have a few goal this summer, earn money n' save, get back in shape and hopefully build a strong bond with this person whom a hope to go to grad with- there's still a lot of time; so now it's time to savour my last year of high-school ^^

Waiting,

is one of the hardest thing a human can do, I'm not talking about seconds or minutes here; months or several years. If I can wait just to learn more, to trust more and to find that right timing it'll be so f*cking worth it ((: I can't "yolo" like one of my stupid friend suggest there's a boundary for stupidity- I duhno but I feel its kinda different this time, just can't place my finger on it. MEH~ oh well just gotta wait now.

When it comes down to it....

I'll be there for anyone I know, I've seen so many people in their worse and I'll absolutely be the first to come back to you to apologize if we ever have a dispute because I hate being distant. I've seen friends cry, mad and forms of emotion that they haven't shown anyone else, and in a way I'm grateful I can be there for them.

I'm kind of one-sided on this but I'll be there for my friends when they need it, but I don't really expect them to be there for me cause most of them make smile a lot already and that's really all I need.

Headache hurts so much D:

MAKE IT STOP! ))):

I don't know what to do.

I'm your friend, yet when your at your worst possible state I can't do anything... fuck.

Craaash!

Just finished after two hours, a 20 sec choreography piece... omfg im dead.... so dead ...... wake up in 3 hours ): deeeeead... time to pass out

My Decision

I thought that I had I future career in mind, Computer Programmer but it doesn't seem I'm committed and that's the problem... I'm doubting myself and I want to make them go away.

I think I might enlist in the army. Train my better judgement, discipline and definitely a good body developer.  I'll have a chance to move away from my family after grad, I might use this chance to enlist...

Next year, woo I have all the money I need already needed for my grad. One thing that's a bit disappointing though; I've asked most of my friends already and it seems they absolutely know for sure who they want to ask out or want to be with when they go to grad dinner/dance. I don't have any one in mind actually.

Meh, I'll try to have a good time without a date.

Dismay

I live in the moment but sometimes I fear the unknown. The future possibilities and the choices I make that effect it. The already carved out destiny already made waiting for me. It scares me sometimes.

Reminisce

It's hard to forget when you never want too.

LAST MINUTE HWK!

and I'm blogging?! loool

The cycle starts yet again.

At least this time I won't let us be strangers anymore.

Memories post # 1

I don't remember much about my past anymore but I still have a recollection every now and then.

I remember a day when I was still around the age of 6-7 finally getting a computer and my mom teaching my how to use a keyboard for the first time. The computer was so old fashion haha it's kind of funny remembering it. I remember living in my old fashion apartment living on one of the middle floors and there would be a hanger that I'd always wrap myself around with. Power ranger, Pokemon, Digimon and all those cartoons playing for the first time and getting hooked. Playing and fighting with my cousins. Crying and getting hit every time I did something wrong or disrespectful to my parents. Running away from my apartment when told not to go out. Finally entering kindergarten, only to throw up a few days later cause I was sick. Playing in the snow and falling on my face when sliding on the ice. My childhood... I wished I could of treasured the moments more back then.

In all these memories I've had a dream over and over of when my mom would tie my shoes every time before I went to school. Just kneeling down and putting one lace over the other, it was special to me. My mom had taken care of me every step of the way and she'll always be there to catch me if I ever fall. She taught me everything I needed to know in my life and to carefully observe while having fun. Thank you mom.

- my memories of the late 1990s

Frustrated,

at myself. I want to beat the balls off of myself sometimes. I don't even understand myself it's confusing, as a person  I don't know what I am or what I'm suppose to do. I don't want to ride the wave or go with the flow.

I want to go through my life with some sort of plan. I'm not young anymore and I need to prepare. It's just the what, where, when, why and how sort of thinking. Right now I'm focusing on working, getting income, and I don't care if I have to work 2-4 part time jobs to get it. School is nothing for me right now, there's probably a few friends that's getting me to stay and still keep trying but that's it.

I dance for hobby right now its good exercise for me, but I don't mind giving it up to live my life. I'm working for family right now and I'll be that figure who'll try hard for them even if it's only me being satisfied with it. Ambition or a goal its hard to say if I actually have any of that for certain, just a slight hope I might get somewhere in life at most. And keeping relationships with people, I'm tired of it. People now have to assume why I'm talking to them now, I just want to talk sometimes you know? I don't have an ulterior motive -.- and I know I can be an ass and a stupid idiot the reason why I'm losing a lot of people I use to be with, but I just want to thank my true pal  David and true gal Kim for putting up with me, I'll be here wishing the best for the both of you for the future to come.

Tired.

Tired of trying. Tired of trying to stay with you. Tired and exhausted to the point where I don't give a shit. Tired of school. Tired of him. Tired of her. Tired of them. I can't stand it.

Tired of liking someone. Tired of being liked. Tired to smile. Tired to frown. Tired to move. Tired to make a difference. Tired to change. Tired of impressing. Tired of expressing.  Tired of you. Tired of me. Tired to grow...... I'm so tired now, leave me alone, I'm not worth it.

My Girl History

Man I never would have believed 5-6 years ago that I would have dated, had flings and be asked out by girls. I actually believe myself to be an average guy or if your my friend a pretty annoying person hahaha.

Elementary:
My first crush in B.C. would have been a girl name Annie(Vietnamese) back in grade 7 and I tried asking her out on Valentine's day by having my friend give her a necklace I bought from Clair's, HAHAHAH I'm such a pussy(: but ye obviously I got rejected. But it was a step to learn from my mistakes.

Well not to long after a girl name Julie(Vietnamese) helped me out from being bummed from Annie, and I had another crush in grade 7. This time i decided not to do anything and left it a secret crush. By this time I was a third wheel for a lot of my white friends getting together, ugh and man was a jealous when they started kissing but got plain annoyed when they start making out all the time.

High school: Freshman - Junior Year
Oh grade 8 this grade we were bullied a lot by the older grades and all the lgs and lbs are trying to find the people they belonged with, I stay'd with my white group from elementary this year. The girl I started crushing on this year was a girl name Danica(Filipino)  a really short girl lol well it wasn't that bad in grade 8 but she hasn't grown since. One of my white friends and I liked her at the same time but since we we're both good friends we both stopped liking her at the same time. Now through the next few years though Danica started liking me back, by then I didn't really care about her anymore. But the way she started liking me was very uncomfortable for me. She always complimented me which was nice but to the point where I didn't have to hear every minute. And the way she started touching me weirdly and telling me about how we kissed in her dreams threw me kind of off. Hahaha ye it didn't work well. We don't really talk anymore, she thinks I think of her as a creep which I did kind of, but oh well.

            My First Girlfriend:
Grade 9. A girl transferred to my school in the middle of the first semester I didn't really think much of her since she was always drawing in class haha. But I got to know her a bit more. And realized that a lot of guys liked her probably 6 guys by the time I realized (including me) had liked her at that time. But one was  from a different school and the other 4 were the keep to them selves kind of guys, so I had a really good chance with this odds. Oh I didn't introduce her, her name is Leeann(Vietnamese). In the second semester we had another class together, thats when we talked more and I started to chase. We got together eventually, I swear I was happiest bitch on earth when that happened, but we broke up after a month.(And man did I cry like a nigger.) I was really insecure and not confident enough, we were both to young for it. Well ye know what? We got back together a year later lasted for 4 months though. Same insecurity problems and one of us giving up to soon and the other not trying. But ye I did truly love her, I cried both time she broke up with me(I'm a stupid wuss I know.) There was just to much going on and things that I know screwed up on. Now we both are friends, she was in my neighborhood once and now this year I'm moving and I'm like 4 houses down from her. How fucking weird is that? I wasn't trying to stalk her... my parents just decided to move to house closer to my school and things ended up like that, I haven't seen the house yet but yee really weird...

I also had sort of a thing, well I don't know what it was with a girl name Sadie(Vietnamese/Cambodian). Leeann's best friend during the summer and one of my pals ex. Hm... we just talked a lot and shared. I feel like we're close friends-family-ish kinda of relationship now.

Grade 10 before I got together with Leeann again I had a sort of fling with a girl name Michelle(Vietnamese). One of my good friend from elementary hooked us up, but as far as that relationship went, fling was as far as we got.

Same year I started to know Michelle sister Joanna(Vietnamese). We had more of a fling then I had with Michelle. Even though she went to a different school we Skype almost everyday. We were really close to going out till I did the dickest move and got back together with my ex. I had left her hanging and it was the shit of me. I don't think of the things I do and it just feel absolute shit when I know I'm doing something wrong to hurt people, especially Joanna. The worst thing is after Leeann broke up with and I repaired the friendship with Joanna I had started liking her again and pushed it on her. I believed I did that cause I hadn't recovered from being with Leeann and almost used her as a rebound. But I'm glad she didn't go for me, and I totally deserved the cold shoulder I got from her. Now we are good. I've tried to repair our brother/sister relationship and I'm sticking with that. No more shit from me, she really doesn't need that.

I think it was this year too that hand a fling with a girl name Jenny(Vietnamese) but it was just us texting each other a lot and then we just got lazy, both of us, and stopped hahaha this wasn't much.

 High school: Senior Year(Current Year)
Oh gosh grade 11. I really had no plans to go after any girl or thought that any girl would go for me. I wanted to be single for this year and just focus on school and trying to get a job and live life. But shit you know, I get the better of myself and I guess feel lonely sometimes.

First girl I liked this year is three years younger then me in grade 8 her freshman year. Yes lg. I really didn't expect me liking her really, it just kinda happened. Her name is Josie(Filipino) and she was a junior dancer. When I was taking a break from my senior dance I sat down near her and we talked about the sizes of our hands, so we compared them and ended up holding hands in the end. We moved on more when we started texting and started to know more about it each other. I asked her out, but things went on a couple days later and said she couldn't do it. But give or take a couple weeks I started talking to her again to break the ice and we promised that on the dance trip that we'd be bus mates. And oh shit... that trip was the weirdest and fucked up thing ever. It was like some blitz ass fucked shit ugh it just hurts my head thinking about it. Me and her got really close on one of the days, it just sort of clicked. But then shit happened the next day and we started drifting again. We were both confused and it appeared that there was another guy in her life. Well now its nothing, or so see says. We don't have anything anymore and we stopped talking. It hurt when she said that and I really got tired of waiting when no effort was being put in the end. I decided in the end I'd make Josie the last girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my high school year.

Near the end of this process with Josie a girl on tumblr started to take a liking to me. I didn't really think it was a big deal so I gave her my skype and number to text. She really grew attached to me though by the end, and I right now I didn't want another girl to avert my attention on in my life. I want to really focus on my life right now. Her name is Tiffany(Vietnamese) and in grade 8 and holy shit another lg eh? Well in the end she scared me when she cut her wrist on skype and I really didn't want to see her hurt herself. We just stopped talking after that I just don't know what to say anymore even though I want her to stop, I have no right to say that since I don't what she's going through ugh this was a real bummer on me.

And now up to my current day. I'm finally getting used not liking a girl and not being involved in any romantic pursuit. Well... until a couple days ago a grade 10 girl name Sally(Vietnamese) came up to me and asked if I was free during the weekend. Like holy shit... where the hell did she come from and I had no clue who she was. Apparently she came in the theater one day and say me dancing then started asking around who I was. Le sigh all I had to say to her was that I had no free time which is true and I just really don't want a girl in my life right now its really not in my best interest. I was really surprised though I grew facial hair to repel girls not get them to ask me out. First time I was ever asked out by a girl too. Meh, I shaved today w.e. I got tired of my facial hair.

But shit really, I probably might have another girlfriend or something but the next one I really want it to be for sure. I'll hold on to her for years until I ask her to marry me. Hopefully I won't be involved in anything for another couple years before I get into something like that. But ye. This is my lovely weird romantic yet disturbing in ways and confusing yet worthwhile girl history.